*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
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Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?
“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
You totally had me at “I want you” and I was so excited, I completely missed the ” To leave me alone” part….Sorry my bad.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
*puts cutlery down*