Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
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Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Just said “No you can’t have an apple because you’ll spoil the pizza that’s being delivered very soon.”
I shouldn’t be allowed to parent.
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line