When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
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Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
A great tip. #CakeRex
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!