Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
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SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….