If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
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Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Feel. He’s so soft.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.