I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
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flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
me irl
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”