I’d rather go liquor treating.
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[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
The first bird to chew food for her kids was probably just trying to leave for work on time.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.