Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
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If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
New children’s book I’m working on: “Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak”.