worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
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A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.