Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
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Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
[on a speed date]
(okay don’t let her know you’re a zombie)
“so, what do you like best in a woman?”
BRAAAIIINNNSS
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
whenever i wake up before my alarm
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.