“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
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[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
Lmbo
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Forever 21… pounds overweight
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
Writing, She Murdered.