I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
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“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Any shampoo can be volume control shampoo if you cram the bottle directly into your kids mouth
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
*Seductively hides in the woods
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons
Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.