Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
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My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up