Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
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Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
The best shot in the history of golf
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written