I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
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Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
You are what you delete.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name