me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
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Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Spell check is for lasers.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Nice try, poison.
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no