Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
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If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Who called it baking and not making love
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.