Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
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guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
courtroom exchange of the day
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.