am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
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You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.