HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
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Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Yeah I like bananas. When they’re almost yellow but still have a tiny bit of green near the stem. So for about a bananosecond.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share