ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
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I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
And they lived apathetically ever after.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”