Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
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So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
FRED: right
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
My daily affirmation
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
bro what is going on at twitter
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Not today
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds