God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
You Might Also Like
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Running your mouth is not cardio.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.