With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
You Might Also Like
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.