goldfish mafia
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My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Meow
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.