I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
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This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
BRO LMFAO
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Bragging about how much you receive in alimony only demonstrates how much someone was willing to pay to get rid of you.
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*