Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
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“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!