how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
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[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
My dad says “sometimes I say shit just so she’ll give me the silent treatment!” True love! 🙂
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”