[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
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I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
[watching nature documentary]
*hawk kills mouse*
That’s so amazing.
*hawk kills lizard*
I could watch this all day.
*hawk kills bunny*
MURDERER! *turns off TV*
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”