I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
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Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
#StillHurts
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.