It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
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What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Me: I just want to go on vacation where the food is cheap, there are no kids, and no other people
Husband: So send the kids to your parents for a week and stay home?
Me: Perfect
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
If you see a dog by itself, check it’s collar, it might be lost
If you see two dogs by themselves, leave them alone, they’re on a date.
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.