ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
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sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.