Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
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Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
there’s probably a fee though
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.