[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
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Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
At 57, when I say I want to last longer in bed, I mean sleep more.
*offers Batman cough drops*
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.