Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
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Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
My kid: Mommy, why am I sick again?
Me: *thinking back to him doing the worm on the floor at target* probably because you didn’t finish your broccoli last night.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
At least try to make it slightly believable
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
This headline is a thing of beauty
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.