Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
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GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
☺️
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else