To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
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Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body