Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
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Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
Chicago sounds lovely.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.