*watches the world burn*
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If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
“I’m not like other girls,” I say, clacking my pinchers and scuttling back into the murky lagoon.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
If you know, you know
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.