[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
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Breaking news:
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
this has to be peak English
motivation
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Saying you’re single
• sobering
• gets you sad looks at parties
• invites relatives to murmur ‘you’ll find someone‘ for everSaying ‘I stand alone‘
• mysterious
• confident
• puts you on the same level as Théoden King