Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
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If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
smh
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
calling in to work dehydrated
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
[donating blood]
Nurse: you’re looking faint. Can I get you a drink?
Me: no thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.