I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
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Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.
I keep pepper spray in my purse just in case any peppers try to attack me.
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.