ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
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ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?