-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
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Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”