It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
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Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Encore…
Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.