The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
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Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
When I was a kid, Mom always wanted me to come to dinner immediately, even if I was playing a game. If I complained, she would say “I don’t care if Mario dies!” Which is probably why my neighbor Mario stopped coming over to play basketball.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.