For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
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A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.