BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
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*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ