I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
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Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
No, YOUR illiterate.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Herpes is trending, good job people
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Put the is in disheveled
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.