HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
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I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
I don’t get marriage
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*